The First Breath After Drowning

Disclaimer…not for the faint of heart.  I just started writing.  My heart is heavy and full all at the same time.  I hope this does not come across as insensitive.  Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest strength and weakness is sensitivity.  I feel other’s pain as deeply as possible without living it...blessing and a curse.  So this may bring tears, but I hope the end brings relief like…

 

The First Breath After  Drowning

I’ve never drowned

I’ve never lost someone I love to the water

But I know some who have

And I’ve seen ones who have

And I’ve spent the last few days seeing

And feeling the weight of those who have

And I ache inside for them

I hold my breath as they fight for theirs

I sigh with relief when they take one

I fill with pride for my fellow men and women

 

Who braved the treacherous waters

To lessen the drowning

To give more seconds, or minutes, or days, or hours, or years

To those they pull from the water

I watch in heartbreaking disbelief

A whole city, several cities, a region

Slip into cold muddy water

Hours and years spent building houses

And minutes and hours and days and years

Lived in homes that will never be the same

Memories washed away in the current

Photos, treasures, collections, family keepsakes

…Things

Under inches and feet of RAINDROPS

And to those who swam to shores that were once highways

Or drifted to dry land at the water’s edge

Or lifted into helicopters in baskets

Or dragged into flat-bottom boats

Or floated on refrigerators and mattresses

Or clung to stop signs and telephone poles

The lucky ones whose heavy hearts didn’t sink them

They may never feel dried of the floodwaters again

But they have another chance to take another breath

To live another life

A better life

To find more joy because of the pain they will carry

To share the courage and strength that was shared with them

With others during their storms

I pray that the water on their souls that may never dry

Only brings them a greater purpose

A reason to fight harder than the current

A reason to love deeper than the floodwaters

A reason to flow as peacefully as the receding tide

A reason to speak words that were once muffled

A reason to swim the rocky waters



Not all were gifted with the dramatic rescue

The crowd of those left behind were blessed with something

FAR GREATER

Their first breath after drowning was heavenly

It was perfection

And will be forevermore

The muddy waters were instantly dried

They were met with instant warmth from the cold

Infinite joy abounded

Their party wasn’t a heavyhearted celebration

But a never-ending fiesta

They weren’t yanked ashore by rescuers

But ushered in by a shepherd

Who led them to STILL WATERS

Refreshing to their soul

Their first warm meal

Was a banquet

They needed no blanket to warm cold bones

They were wrapped in clouds of grace

And arms of love

And joy abounding

And waves of mercy

And waves of grace

Their first breath after drowning

Was weightless!

What a blessing that will be.

We're still in LOVE

This wonderful man doesn't have a facebook so I can't tag him. But I have to share just how much I love him. I don't say this to brag but to tell you that this kind of love exists and not to settle for anything less. It has been exactly 5 years since this moment when he looked at me in this picture as I walked down the aisle. And he still looks at me like that. Five years after our wedding day we are even more in love than we were then. We first met in January of 2008 and look at us now. Back then we were just college students all wrapped up in giddy feelings and butterflies and "young love." Full of "I love yous" and "I love you more." And now we are parents full of the same things.
No, those moments are not as often as before. Now we have grown up jobs.  We have many more bills and I'm not talking dollars. We have a nonstop 2-year-old bundle of energy and a cuddly bundle of cuteness that still cries a lot. We have lots of dirty diapers and wet or dry pull ups. Bed time doesn't start when we are ready to go to sleep. We have two hyper dogs, lots of laundry, a load of dishes every night. We have lots of doctors appointments. Getting ready for work isn't a 20 minute process but now about an hour long ordeal. And there isn't anyone I would rather spend the madness with.
Because in the midst of all of the craziness, when our eyes meet it looks just like that picture. We laugh at the mess and roll our eyes and blow each other a kiss.
On a roadtrip like the one we are on now with a crying 5 month old in the back and a 2 year old trying to drown out the cries with his singing and having to turn off the music because it is just too much, he reaches over to hold my hand.
Life is still crappy sometimes. It gets hard and messy and downright sad sometimes. We get homesick. We get mad then we get over it. We stress out then realize it's not a big deal in the big scheme of things. Life isn't easy. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect. He's not perfect. But together we are perfect.

Monday Memories

How come we forget to say hi
Until we have to say goodbye
We always remember to snap selfies
But forget to capture true moments
I used to wonder if I was missed the moments
In pursuit of a picture
Until I searched for a picture of a moment
And didn't find one
And with those other pictures I scrolled through
The moments came flooding back

Like being almost perfect...make that good enough

 

Like our last Christmas at "home"

What running in a college meet felt like...a blur

The moment I knew he was the man I would marry

Yep, that was the one
HE was the one
Right there on a miserably cold hike
On a trail we were not supposed to be on

Walking down a bridge toward a future unknown

Learning what real teaching looks like

And wishing I could relive it again

Tasting victory for the first time in a while

Becoming a part of a new family

The family photo that wasn't complete without him

And will never be quite as complete again

Memories of front porch sitting

That time when he got down on his knee

And I said yes

And THIS FEELING

And TRUE DEEP stand-the-test-of-time-and-distance kind of friendship

And that first dance with THAT boy that won't be the last

Baby makes three

And one more makes four

But what about those moments not captured?
The ones that you can't quite grasp?
There is just a little taste
But you want more
Guess I need to take more pictures

Inspire Me Monday-IronDAD Chattanooga 9-27-15

Today I am inspired by the Ironman competition that took place in Chattanooga yesterday. I will be competing in my first Ironman competition this May. I will be a part of a relay team in the Half-ironman later this year. I will be doing the running portion of the race. The half ironman consists of a    1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, and 13.1 mile run. The full ironman is a feat taken on by a small group of individuals, and accomplished by even fewer. It starts with a 2.4 mile swim , followed by a 112 mile bike race, and finishing with a full marathon of 26.2 miles. And it is all completed by one individual at one time. It is the ultimate test of brawn, determination, endurance, athleticism, and heart. And one man, one dad, showed even more heart than anyone else who went on this 140+ mile adventure. He went that whole great distance carrying a person with him...

Chattanooga is a haven for runners.  I knew that the first time I made an official recruiting visit to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga.  I was being recruited to run track and cross-country as a Chattanooga Running Moc.  It didn't take long to realize that my running shoes would love it here.  Since the start of my freshmen year of college, I put in many miles of running around this city that became a second home to me.  

Alongside my teammates, I ran long runs up and down the hills of Chattanooga, the Baker Street loop over by GPS, hill repeats back behind the golf course, the duck pond loop twisting around the north side of the city, runs out toward East Chattanooga by the car dealerships and the Chattanooga Choo-Choo, runs past the resturaunts downtown, long runs breezing by Finley Staduim and cooling down behind the Tennessee Aquarium, out-and-backs on the Riverwalk, sprints inside McKenzie Arena when the roads were too icy, speed workouts on the blue track at GPS and taking a bathroom and water break in Coolidge Park, the bridges loop if we were just wanting to get a quick morning run in before class on days without pool workouts, runs through the woods at Greenway Park followed by some hill repeats...

And last but not least a good-ole-go-to-run when we were wanting to mix things up...an out and back run to Moccasin Bend.

It was one of those routes we didn't take very often on long runs.  Days that we ran it were the mornings that we sat in our dorm room lacing up our shoes trying to decide where we wanted to run that day.  One of us would say, "I'm getting tired of duck pond and Baker's loop.  I don't feel like driving somewhere to run.  What about running to Moc Bend today?  It's not too hilly."  And off we went.  We would head out of our Johnson Village dorm room and take a left.  We would cross over either Veteran's Bridge, Walnut Street Bridge (aka walking bridge), or the Market Street Bridge, depending on how we were feeling that day.  Once on the north side of the river we would hang a left onto Manufacturer's Road to run past Greenlife and the liquor store, then another left onto Hamm Road.  At some point during the run someone would comment on how bad it smells over by the water treatment plant when it gets hot.  We would tend to pick up to a pretty swift pace as we took off toward Moccasin Bend.  The road was nice and flat and straight as a starting line.  You could see your point of destination.  The spot where you turn around to head home.  That's what was nice about this run.  It's not very often that the end is in sight.  The turnaround point for that run was like the straightaway at the end of a track race.  There aren't many flat spots to run around the city besides the track, but this was one of them.  I honestly remember the feeling I would get on that straightaway leading into the scenic Moccasin Bend property-that feeling that you had more energy left in the tank than you thought you did.  That, "heck, why not speed it up a bit, here?"  It was an opportunity to remind yourself how fast you were, that even in the middle of a long run you still had it in you to let loose a bit and burn some rubber on those shoes.  You start to feel like all of your worries and stresses don't exist anymore.  We would, for a short time, forget about the essays due and looming deadlines and teammate drama.  We would just run.  Fast.  And running fast is a great feeling.

I am sure that is the feeling Cameron Bean felt on his final run last Monday.

Cameron had spent the last year training his father, Steve Bean, to run the Ironman with him. Instead Steve ran it FOR Cameron while Cameron cheered him on from above. 

As Steve was nearing the finish line, the announcer said, "Steve, you are an Ironman!"...he looks more like an IronDAD to me.

(Click above to see his heroic finish.)

They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:31

Dear Meredith, daughter, mother, lady

I will begin with a public service announcement. Let's assume son=daughter, father=mother, and young man=lady.

1 John 2:12-15-I am writing to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. I am writing to you, fathers, because you know him who is from the beginning. I am writing to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. 

I write to you, dear children,

    because you know the Father.

I write to you, fathers,

    because you know him who is from the beginning.

I write to you, young men,

    because you are strong,

    and the word of God lives in you,

    and you have overcome the evil one.

He writes first to me as a child

He is my father

He sees me as I see my sons

I'm his daughter 

He knows I've messed up

Failed to drink from his cup

Not reflected him enough

But he says I'm forgiven

My sorry's enough

He sees past all of the times I've screwed up

He says I'm enough

Then he writes to me as a parent

Reminds me of my commitment

When we chose to have kids

Reminds me I KNOW him

And I KNOW how I should live

To show them how they should live

Then he writes to me as a young adult

My hair isn't yet silver and I'm not yet old

Though not advanced in my years

He says, "Lend me your ears

You have ALREADY overcome 

You are here so your job isn't done

But you've been forever changed by my son

And you are enough

Without all the fluff

And though you aren't perfect

You are whole since rebirth

You may not have all the answers

Or the gracefulness of dancers

Or your to-do list completed

Or your shortcomings deleted

Your house may not be cleaned

It could use some vacuuming

But, my dear, you have already overcome

By the blood of my son

You are all you need to be

So fix your eyes on me

AND JUST BE

Love, me"

Then he writes to us as children again

If we, as parents, know him

So will our kids

And because our kids know him

We see him in them

Then again, he writes, "young woman,

You are strong

In your heart is my song

In my lap is where you belong

You are strong

You are enough

You are strong enough!"

July 2015...BITTER...SWEET

On this, the 20th day of July, the year 2015, I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually OVERWHELMED!  This month has been a whirlwind for my country, my city, my family, and me. And none of us will ever be the same again, for better or for worse, and my prayer is for the former.
July 1st- the first day of the month of my due date for my second son. He was due to make his appearance on July 29th.
Needless to say, he wasn't willing to wait.

July 4th-a day our country celebrates freedom, and the day my son, Patten Turner Strauss, decided to join in on the festivities.

July 5th-Some friends and family came to meet Little Patten. He was alert and cuddly and cute and everything a one-day old baby should be. We told our son, Shea, that his new baby brother would be going to "Shea's house" tomorrow because all indications pointed in that direction. 

July 6th- Due to extreme exhaustion on the part of my husband and I (I had essentially been in labor and in and out of the hospital for at least a week), we took advantage of the nursury services offered by the hospital. We sent him off to the nursury so we could sleep a couple of hours at a time between feedings. It is hospital policy that all babies that are born before 37 weeks gestation must have a car-seat test. He was born at 36 weeks and 4 days. This is where they put the baby in the car seat for an hour and monitor their heart rate and respiration. As we slept, they strapped him into the car seat. It quickly became clear to the nurses he was not going to pass the test. His respiration rate went up over 100 breaths per minute. My husband and I were woken up by a nurse we had never met telling us our 2-day-old son had just been admitted to the NICU. This is what we saw when we walked in to see our little guy.

July 7th-

July 8th-

Later that day...

Fast forward to July 16th- On the way home from lunch and shopping with my mother-in-law and my two boys, I got a call from my husband who was working a kids summer camp at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. He said to go straight home and turn on the news but he didn't know any details. All he knew was there was an active shooter in downtown Chattanooga. I am sure you are aware of the shootings that happened in Chattanooga where 4 marines and one sailor lost their lives and many others put their lives on the line to make sure no more innocent people died at the hands of evil. They happened just a few miles from where my husband was working. We later learned that the shooter went to the same college as us at the same time. He was, up until the time of the shooting, living on the same street where my mom grew up.

Click here to listen to this beautiful song.

Today, July 19th-

As I sit in the comfort of my home and watch my boys play beside each other on the floor and type this post with my husband beside me on the couch, I can't help but be grateful for all that I have. I can't help but take a sigh of relief that we were not in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can't help but think about and pray for and hurt for those that no longer have their husbands, or sons, or fathers beside them. I can't help but worry about the mounting threats of more terrorism in the coming hours and days and years. I can't help but be sad at the state of the world that will be the expected norm to my boys if nothing changes. I can't help but pray that my boys be a part of a generation that turns from fear to peace, from doubt to hope, and from hate to love. I pray that my husband and I will find the words to say when our sons ask the hard questions like why did this happen, who could do something like this, why is life so hard, and why do bad things happen to good people? I pray this because these are answers I am seeking myself.

But through all of this sadness there is one thing I know...in the end all that matters is LOVE.

1 Corinthians 13: 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Fed Up Friday

This may be the pregnancy hormones speaking, but this is a place for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and art, so I am going to share them. I have never posted anything political on my Facebook. Politics are not my thing. I am a teacher and a Christian and feel I often don't have enough information or the right words to put my thoughts out there for the world to see. I know once I hit publish, I may not be able to take back anything I have said. The internet can be altered but it is there for the finding. And I may regret this, but while I have the courage to do so, I am going to share what is on my heart. This showed up on my newsfeed today.

I didn't react the way some people may think. I didn't jump for joy as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that. 

And I didn't cry over the direction our nation is headed as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that.

I was somewhat indifferent to the picture above on my newsfeed. Politics have never been my thing. I am able to separate my spiritual views from my political views whether that is right or wrong. I realize that not every American is a Christian and accept that is why sometimes the laws of my country do not line up with the laws of the book I try to live my life by. So for that reason I did not feel strongly one way or another when I saw this article. 

But the responses to the article brought me to tears. And I haven't been able to get over the feelings that the responses gave me. I thought about posting some of the hateful comments people made in the name of Christianity to prove my point but I don't think more negativity needs to be out there. And part of me hopes the people will see the hate in their words is not a reflection of the love of Christ. I know in the past I have said things I wish I hadn't in the name of my religion. I have been known to talk about a speck in another's eye while ignoring the plank in my own. I am not innocent in the judgment department. But I feel one way I have grown in Christ is that I have learned to love where I used to judge. I have learned to bite my tongue when I used to yell. I have learned to look within before pointing fingers. 

I know my God is not ONLY a God of

Love. I know he is also a God of wrath. But I have also really searched for the heart of God in this situation while my heart broke over the hateful words spoken by my brothers and sisters in Christ. To me this is not a matter of right or wrong or good or evil. This has become a matter of love and hate. And while I may not know what the heart of God is feeling today, I do know what the heart of Christ would be. All I could think is what would Jesus do if he were here today.  What would he do if he scrolled through his newsfeed (which he probably wouldn't waste his time doing) and saw that article. I don't think he would cry over a court decision or shake his finger in someone's face or share the link and write above it "our country is going going to hell in a handbasket." He knows without him that is where we are going anyways. 

And he may not change his cover photo to the rainbow flag. But he sure as hell would not be spewing words of hate and wrath. He would probably be giving a hug to the person whose heart was broken by those evil words. He would probably go on with his life loving on people...all people. He would do so knowing that the God who was using him to give FORGIVENESS AND GRACE AND LOVE to his people was still on his throne. And he would make sure that the love overshadowed the hate. And he would probably make it known that his God is a God of LOVE. And I plan on doing the same.

To-Do List Tuesday-Before Baby #2

Baby Patten Turner Strauss will be joining the family soon.  Not sure when, but going from previous experience with his big brother, Shea, who decided to mix things up by trying to come 7 weeks early, it could be soon. But if he decided to be like most babies he may not be here until his due date on July 29th. Gotta wait and see.

But there is quite a to-do list to finish before he arrives. I am blessed to say that list is MUCH shorter than it was last week. My dad and little brother came and did some extensive house-prepping and cleaning and detailing the past several days. I cannot thank them enough for all of the love and hard work they put into our house that had bit by bit gotten a little out of hand.

They cleaned out our whole garage and added shelves to store our stuff that doesn't have a spot in the house. That included burning a pile of about 70 cardboard boxes that had accumulated since we moved in a few years ago, and shop-vaccing crawly critters who decided to make those boxes home. As soon as we have our next yard sale we will be able to fit 2 cars in the garage, which hasn't been possible since we moved here.  

The kitchen appliances are sparkling, the windows are clean, the floors and baseboards are scrubbed. A few minutes ago Shea left the living room and headed in the kitchen.  He's supposed to stay in the living room with me. When I asked him to come back he started crying. "I white, I white." I am not yet fluent in toddler speak but I am getting there. I was stumped.  I said, "show Mommy what you want."  He grabbed a dish towel off the stove, ran back in the room, and proceeded to "white" (wipe) the windows.  "I clean, Mommy."  He has learned a servant's heart by watching the people he loves and looks up to.  I think his love language is acts of service like his daddy and my daddy.  So I smiled and thanked him and gave him a big hug because my love language is physical touch.  :)

Paint has been touched up. We could probably sell this house tomorrow if we wanted to.  They left early this morning to drive back to Texas leaving behind a different house than the one they arrived at.  We are truly grateful.  

To-Do List

-Finsh organizing Patten's nursery and Shea's bedroom

-have another yard sale to clear out the rest of the garage

-clean my bedroom and bathroom as well as the rest of the house has been cleaned

-organize my arts and crafts from the studio in my basement (see previous post)

-finish the edging on My brother's high school t-shirt quilt

-make some quilts for my friend from high school

It's done list

-twin onesie quilts

-puppy quilt for Ryder

-photo props for Lorie 

(who happened to have done an amazing job on Shea's one and 2 year old pictures)

Www.lorieallison.com

-a crocheted baby blanket

-and another mermaid wrap blanket

If you are interested in having me make you something, either message me on Facebook or leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

I love my crazy life and am so thankful for the help with the craziness.

Today's to-do list includes joining my hubby for lunch at UTC followed by a visit to the doctor to check up on our little Patten...hopefully followed by a nap for the other little one when we get home.

We may not have it all together at the Strauss house, but we are on our way, works-in-progress. And God is using us and molding us and teaching us and humbling us and LOVING US in the midst of the madness.

My verse for today:

If I say "my foot slips," your mercy will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul. Psalms 94:18-19

I was anxious, thinking "how in the world will it all get done? We aren't even close to being ready for Patten. This place is a mess and I don't know where to start. How are we going to afford another one?" But it is getting done. And we have been blessed with resources and help to make life more organized. And God will provide what we need just like he always does. He has brought comfort and joy to my soul in the form of organization and family.  Now that they have headed home, I am homesick but I'm looking forward to a family reunion soon when Patten comes.