The First Breath After Drowning

Disclaimer…not for the faint of heart.  I just started writing.  My heart is heavy and full all at the same time.  I hope this does not come across as insensitive.  Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest strength and weakness is sensitivity.  I feel other’s pain as deeply as possible without living it...blessing and a curse.  So this may bring tears, but I hope the end brings relief like…

 

The First Breath After  Drowning

I’ve never drowned

I’ve never lost someone I love to the water

But I know some who have

And I’ve seen ones who have

And I’ve spent the last few days seeing

And feeling the weight of those who have

And I ache inside for them

I hold my breath as they fight for theirs

I sigh with relief when they take one

I fill with pride for my fellow men and women

 

Who braved the treacherous waters

To lessen the drowning

To give more seconds, or minutes, or days, or hours, or years

To those they pull from the water

I watch in heartbreaking disbelief

A whole city, several cities, a region

Slip into cold muddy water

Hours and years spent building houses

And minutes and hours and days and years

Lived in homes that will never be the same

Memories washed away in the current

Photos, treasures, collections, family keepsakes

…Things

Under inches and feet of RAINDROPS

And to those who swam to shores that were once highways

Or drifted to dry land at the water’s edge

Or lifted into helicopters in baskets

Or dragged into flat-bottom boats

Or floated on refrigerators and mattresses

Or clung to stop signs and telephone poles

The lucky ones whose heavy hearts didn’t sink them

They may never feel dried of the floodwaters again

But they have another chance to take another breath

To live another life

A better life

To find more joy because of the pain they will carry

To share the courage and strength that was shared with them

With others during their storms

I pray that the water on their souls that may never dry

Only brings them a greater purpose

A reason to fight harder than the current

A reason to love deeper than the floodwaters

A reason to flow as peacefully as the receding tide

A reason to speak words that were once muffled

A reason to swim the rocky waters



Not all were gifted with the dramatic rescue

The crowd of those left behind were blessed with something

FAR GREATER

Their first breath after drowning was heavenly

It was perfection

And will be forevermore

The muddy waters were instantly dried

They were met with instant warmth from the cold

Infinite joy abounded

Their party wasn’t a heavyhearted celebration

But a never-ending fiesta

They weren’t yanked ashore by rescuers

But ushered in by a shepherd

Who led them to STILL WATERS

Refreshing to their soul

Their first warm meal

Was a banquet

They needed no blanket to warm cold bones

They were wrapped in clouds of grace

And arms of love

And joy abounding

And waves of mercy

And waves of grace

Their first breath after drowning

Was weightless!

What a blessing that will be.

What I'm Listening to...Wednesday

Sometimes when I can't hear God speaking, I hear him sing over me.  Sometimes I have a hard time putting into words what my heart is saying.  So I sing to him words others have sang to him before.  Sometimes I hurt for the world and become numb to the stories on the news.  And it takes somber songs to help me feel again. 

Just to give you a peek into my day at school...here is what it looks like.  Our school has 5 classes a day.  When I don't have paperwork stacked up to my neck...which is the case most days...here is what my schedule is supposed to look like:
1st Block-I go into an English 10 or English 11 classroom, and provide a helping hand to students who need a little extra time.
2nd Block-Sometimes English 11 and sometimes working on paperwork in my classroom.  This is a classroom that is shared with another teacher.  She teaches 10 students an online math course.  So this paperwork I have to complete must be completed with 10 restless chatty teenagers in my room. 
3rd Block-I teach a reading and writing intervention class.  However, oftentimes this becomes a homework help session.  Frequently, my lessons are replaced with another teacher's lesson.  But hey, they have to pass their other classes too.
4th Block-This is my "planning" block.  Most days, other teachers send their students my way during this time to read their tests to them.  This is part of my job, so no complaints here.  Somewhere during this block I also have to find time to eat.  Most of the time this is bites between test questions. 
5th Block-English 10...helping out the teachers and kiddos.

Second block on paperwork days is my time to drown out the noise (and the students' not so quiet voices of not so pleasant conversations).  So I flip on my Jesus station on Pandora and let it pick what song I want to hear.  But today I had a feeling it was God picking my songs, not some random computer program.

The first song that caught my attention was "This, Too Shall Be Made Right" by Derek Webb
I recently wrote another blog post about this song, but up it popped again.  If you would like to read that post, click here.

"People love you the most for the things you hate
And hate you for loving the things you can't keep straight
People judge you on a curve
And tell you you're getting what you deserve
And this too shall be made right

Children cannot learn when children cannot eat
Stack them like lumber when children cannot sleep
Children dream of wishing wells
Who's waters quench all the fires of hell
And this too shall be made right

The earth and the sky and the sea are all holding their breath
Wars and abuses have nature growing with death
You say we're just trying to stay alive
It looks so much more like a way to die

And this too shall be made right

Yes, there's a time for peace, there is a time for war
There's a time to forgive and a time to settle the score
A time for babies to lose their lives
A time for hunger and genocide
And this too shall be made right

Oh, I don't know the sufferings of people outside my front door
And I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore
I'm trading comfort for human life
And that's not just murder, it's suicide
And this too shall be made right"

This hit way too close to home.  It seems that this world of darkness and hate and pain are closing in.  They are getting way too close to home.  I try not to watch the news.  I know, as a teacher, I should stay up to date on current events.  I could really care less.  I would rather tuck my head in my turtle shell and stay in my happy bubble with my amazing husband who I adore and adores me,

and our entertaining "why"-asking two-year-old,

 and our newly-giggling three-month-old.





 But despite the fact that I rarely turn on the evening news, I know...
-Twenty men were arrested in Chattanooga for involvement in child sex trafficking.
-Gang violence in downtown Chattanooga has increased to the point that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has created a database of individuals murdered there since 2011.  And all that people seem to be focusing on is the fact that Mohammed Abdulazeez found his way on to that list.  He is on a list of "justified murders."  I am pretty sure murder isn't the right word for that situation, but people seem to be missing the point.  That list is HUGE...currently at 113, with 22 of the murders happening just in the last 10 months!  That's the point.  The point is that we should shed tears over the massive number of lives lost, most at the hands of gang violence.
-An unidentified body was found in my town.
-There was a shooter at the little league park in my hometown where my little brother used to play baseball.
-School shootings are STILL happening.
-College sports recruiters are paying for strippers and sex for recruits to help draw potential athletes to their program.
-Smoking, that had recently become less widespread, has become more popular and excepted among a whole new generation of teenagers.
-Drugs are rampant.

Then came the song "Wedding Dress," also by Derek Webb.  This song was written to his maker.

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift your life

           God gave his life as our wedding gift.  It doesn't get much better than that.
Should that be all Ill ever need
Or is there more I'm looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich and wise
Is that really what you want

'Cause I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle

Or Im a prodigal with no way home
I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

          That's what we do, I guess I can only speak for myself. That's what I do.  I am so excited be his bride. I can't wait to get down the aisle and jump into his arms.  I am excited to be his.  Then I turn to other lovers.  My eyes stray and my feet wander.  I lose my way.  Then I throw on my white dress (it's white because he washed it) and run to him again.

So could you love this bastard child

          And each time I run to him, I run to him slower.  I go to him ashamed.  I am weighted down by my sin and think, "how could he still love me?"  But he does.  And he marries me all over again.  We were never divorced.  But in my heart I feel that way.  So we renew our vows.  He makes the same unbroken promises all over again.  And I make promises we both know I will break. 
Though I dont trust you to provide

          He always provides.  But I still get scared.
 With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side

'Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild

          I get content with the beautiful earthly things he has given me and forget the masterpiece I can find in him.

But money cannot buy
A husbands jealous eye

          "He is jealous for me.  His love's like a hurricane.  I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy."  I want to run down the aisle and not let go of his hand.  It's not quite as easy as it sounds.

Both these songs were heavy.  Bittersweet.  Honest.  Raw.

And God knew what I needed when the next two songs came on..."My Beloved," by Kari Jobe.

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

          He thinks I'm perfect just the way I am.

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace

          First he played me songs that left me with pain and bitterness and shame and fear and sadness.  Then he SANG OVER me his song of PEACE.  He played in like a lion and serenaded out like a lamb.
Cast all your care down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

          REST...

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters

          QUIET...
 I'll restore your soul

          RESTORATION...
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

First he sang to me truth, then he revealed to me my sin, then he sang over me peace and forgiveness and love, then he danced with me...the dance in the kitchen in your socks kind of dance.

At the end of the block my students got to see me with headphones stuck in my ears rocking out to this Jesus song...this time I was smiling.  "Lay Em Down," by Needtobreathe

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevard
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failings
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
Bring our troubles
Bring our troubles
And Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All those with and without love
All you burdened, broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down
 

Thank Jesus for speaking to me through my headphones this morning.

I'm laying em down.

Fed Up Friday

This may be the pregnancy hormones speaking, but this is a place for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and art, so I am going to share them. I have never posted anything political on my Facebook. Politics are not my thing. I am a teacher and a Christian and feel I often don't have enough information or the right words to put my thoughts out there for the world to see. I know once I hit publish, I may not be able to take back anything I have said. The internet can be altered but it is there for the finding. And I may regret this, but while I have the courage to do so, I am going to share what is on my heart. This showed up on my newsfeed today.

I didn't react the way some people may think. I didn't jump for joy as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that. 

And I didn't cry over the direction our nation is headed as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that.

I was somewhat indifferent to the picture above on my newsfeed. Politics have never been my thing. I am able to separate my spiritual views from my political views whether that is right or wrong. I realize that not every American is a Christian and accept that is why sometimes the laws of my country do not line up with the laws of the book I try to live my life by. So for that reason I did not feel strongly one way or another when I saw this article. 

But the responses to the article brought me to tears. And I haven't been able to get over the feelings that the responses gave me. I thought about posting some of the hateful comments people made in the name of Christianity to prove my point but I don't think more negativity needs to be out there. And part of me hopes the people will see the hate in their words is not a reflection of the love of Christ. I know in the past I have said things I wish I hadn't in the name of my religion. I have been known to talk about a speck in another's eye while ignoring the plank in my own. I am not innocent in the judgment department. But I feel one way I have grown in Christ is that I have learned to love where I used to judge. I have learned to bite my tongue when I used to yell. I have learned to look within before pointing fingers. 

I know my God is not ONLY a God of

Love. I know he is also a God of wrath. But I have also really searched for the heart of God in this situation while my heart broke over the hateful words spoken by my brothers and sisters in Christ. To me this is not a matter of right or wrong or good or evil. This has become a matter of love and hate. And while I may not know what the heart of God is feeling today, I do know what the heart of Christ would be. All I could think is what would Jesus do if he were here today.  What would he do if he scrolled through his newsfeed (which he probably wouldn't waste his time doing) and saw that article. I don't think he would cry over a court decision or shake his finger in someone's face or share the link and write above it "our country is going going to hell in a handbasket." He knows without him that is where we are going anyways. 

And he may not change his cover photo to the rainbow flag. But he sure as hell would not be spewing words of hate and wrath. He would probably be giving a hug to the person whose heart was broken by those evil words. He would probably go on with his life loving on people...all people. He would do so knowing that the God who was using him to give FORGIVENESS AND GRACE AND LOVE to his people was still on his throne. And he would make sure that the love overshadowed the hate. And he would probably make it known that his God is a God of LOVE. And I plan on doing the same.

WIP Wednesday...work in progress...my dream and my afghan

So...I am glad I didn't announce my potential studio location because things have fallen through. God has a different plan. So it's back to the drawing board. I'll just be praying and waiting and waiting some more until God makes things official.

In the meantime I will be working on my afghan and playing ball with my son and enjoying his first snow day and working on my crocheted afghan during his naps. 

Until next time, my friends, stay warm!

Wait Training

To those of you who have been there from the start of this incredible journey, I owe you an apology. You may not know it, but it was brought to my attention today at my church, Calvary Chapel.  The message was about patience. Let me sum up this little journey of mine and tell you what revelation God laid on my heart.

1. I have always dreamed of opening a community art center just for fun. It was one of those things you put on your bucket list thinking there is no way that would ever happen but it's good to dream. 

2. God began little by little to show me how much families in my area need a safe place to interact with others and build relationships in a positive environment. As a high school teacher, I have seen that no matter how much we build up the students inside the walls of the classroom, it can all be for nothing if there is nothing uplifting lies outside of them.

3. On August 25th of 2013, Pastor Frank, my pastor at Calvary Chapel preached a message on David and Goliath. David was a huge underdog. No one but God thought he had a chance. He was too small to take on something so massive. He had no resources or training to take on such a feat. But God told him he could do it. And against all odds, David killed the giant, Goliath, with just one stone and a slingshot.

As I sat in the service I heard the voice of God clearer than I ever have before. He was calling me to be the underdog. Some people think I am crazy. Yes, I am a teacher. Yes, I have a young baby. No, I don't have a lot of money. But I do have a calling. I have been called to start a community art studio to reach out to a generation that is being reached out to in all the wrong ways. I am called to help build positive relationships in the community and draw families closer together. I am called to give people a place to put their God-given gifts on display to share with others. I am called to help people find the individuality in themselves and find what it is they were put here to do. I have been called to create a place where all of this can happen. And I don't have much more than a slingshot and pebble.

4. Then I started to rush things. I had good intentions in doing so. I knew God had called me. He gave me a vision. Then I tried to make it happen. I found a realtor and set out to find a location. I spoke with someone who worked for a community art co-op and was advised to seek nonprofit status. Then there was the government shutdown. I took that as a sign to go a different direction. 

5. I found a location. It cost too much so I went out to gather resources. I should have taken it as a sign to slow down. 

6. Someone went online to see if there was an art studio in the area kind of like the one I am looking to create and stumbled on this website...just a blog with my idea and not much else. She was interested in making use of the studio. She contacted me and we had a conversation about how the timing could be a God thing. Instead of thanking God for this connection and seeking his will in the situation I took this as yet another reason to push faster and chase harder. I unintentionally became pushy, thinking my plan was God's plan instead of waiting for God's plan to play out. 

7. I found another location, perfect and in my price range. I jumped on it. Then I was told someone else was interested and willing to pay more. I was heartbroken. Then 10 days ago I was told they changed their mind and may be willing to take my offer. The landlord was out of town pheasant hunting (only in Soddy...haha) and would be in touch in a week. It's been more than a week so I was planning on calling the realtor on Monday to see if she had heard anything. But this time I am going to wait and let God do his thing....or wait for God to wait to do his thing later. 

Here is why:  (notes from today's sermon)

-Prayer is a pause that seeks direction from God.

-Don't push or self-promote. 

-If God has called you, God will get you there.

-God is not in a hurry.

-Self-interest stinks. It blinds us to the obvious.

-Zeal without knowledge is no good. (And I am definitely not lacking in zeal. I need to seek God for more knowledge.)

-While you wait, seek, serve, and set self aside.

So there it is. I will be waiting and seeking and if you need me I will serve you because I am setting myself aside. God will bring all things together in his perfect time and I am resting in his holiness.

See you when I see you, friends. God bless you in all you peruse. 

Inspire Me Monday

As I begin the adventure of starting this community art studio, I have made plans on how I can stay connected to all of my little Scrappers (see FAQ if you tilted your head to the side and made a funny face). I have created a tentative schedule to keep all of you posted on this little blog that I home to spruce up in the near future. Sorry it's not too easy on the eyes yet. The new schedule is as follows:

Sunday Showcase-introduce artists selling their work in the studio and make you wanna buy their stuff

Monday-see above

To-Do List Tuesday-the project I've pined to my Pinterest Page that I can't wait to do in the studio

WIPs on Wednesday-for all of us crafters this is works in progress

Thanks for the Scraps Thursday-a shoutout to devoted Stashers who donate to the studio and help this vision 

Finished Product Friday-art and handmade goods created in the studio whether for sale or for keeps

Meet a Scrapper Saturday-an artist who uses the studio, who they are, what they're about, and some of their art

This Monday Jordana Jaffe at www.embarkability.com inspired me...

I stumbled upon her blog when I found this image on Pinterest

This quote is very encouraging to me. It is exactly what I am planning to do.

What inspired me most was her honesty. She reflected over her year and laid it all out there...the good, the bad, and the ugly and shared what she wished next year to look like. So I will lead by example to show you just who you will be making friends with should you chose to make use of the studio. So here are the milestones that happened in my life between last December 30th and today...

1. January 5th-began volunteering at McKamey Animal Center where I helped shelter dogs find their forever homes like my terrier Roscoe and my pit bull CindyLu did. It has been a pleasure of mine and I made many friends in the process. With the new business and the new baby my volunteer days have been few and far between but that shelter, those dogs, and those people have a special place in my heart.

2. January 29th-painted my first pair of converse shoes and began to see the diversity I could use in my art. 

3. March 17th-finished preparing the nursery for my baby boy.

4. April 4th-I was a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding

5. April 15th- went into preterm labor at 34 weeks but was able to stop it with bedrest

6. May 4th-decided if our little boy was born on the day of Kentucky Derby we would make his middle name the name of the winning horse...but only if Frackdaddy or Itsyourluckyday won...I was pulling for Shea Frackdaddy Strauss...Shea didn't come that day.

7. May 6th- Shea Elijah Strauss was born at 5:12pm three weeks early but healthy as could be

8. May 30th- got semipermanent blue ombré highlights in my hair...not a big deal...but seemed significant to me

9. June 27th- took a 14 hour drive to Texas to see my family...with an 8 week old...it was easy...he slept almost the whole way

10. End of July- beach trip with the fam

11. August 8th- my first day back at work and Shea's first day of daycare

12. End of October-flew to see my husband's family in California

13. December 6th-Shea's first visit with Santa

14. Shea's first Christmas!!!

Looking back it all seems like flowers and rainbows and for the most part it was. I have been so blessed this past year by the joys of motherhood and falling even more in love with my husband. But there were many tears too. Most of them were shed over the realization that I only have so much impact on my high school students as their teacher. I can teach them and love them and discipline them and encourage them all day long at school. But when they go home they go to an environment that is opposite of the one I try to instill at school. This led me to the vision of the community art studio. I want to create a positive environment for students and families to create things that build their confidence and develop their sense of creativity. I feel I can touch people so much more out of the confines of public education. I see it's value and have no complaints about the way things are done I just want to change the culture the students have after they leave the school.

I have also struggled with doubts about the studio and whether I can make it happen and still be a good mother and wife. But this is a calling from God. Of that I have no doubt. And over and over again God has reminded me that what he has started within me he will see through to completion. For every door that has been closed that brought with it doubt, he has opened one I wasn't even searching for. I have to continue to pray for confidence in my dream and the ability to be the wife and mother I was called to be first. Not to be cliche but I know that with God all things are possible, and I know he will provide.

New Years Resolutions-

1. God first, family second, studio third

2. Be more productive with my time.

3. Touch at least one life in a major way.

4. Broaden my creativity.

5. Help others find value in their individuality.

Happy Almost New Years, friends! 

What are your resolutions for 2014?