The First Breath After Drowning

Disclaimer…not for the faint of heart.  I just started writing.  My heart is heavy and full all at the same time.  I hope this does not come across as insensitive.  Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest strength and weakness is sensitivity.  I feel other’s pain as deeply as possible without living it...blessing and a curse.  So this may bring tears, but I hope the end brings relief like…

 

The First Breath After  Drowning

I’ve never drowned

I’ve never lost someone I love to the water

But I know some who have

And I’ve seen ones who have

And I’ve spent the last few days seeing

And feeling the weight of those who have

And I ache inside for them

I hold my breath as they fight for theirs

I sigh with relief when they take one

I fill with pride for my fellow men and women

 

Who braved the treacherous waters

To lessen the drowning

To give more seconds, or minutes, or days, or hours, or years

To those they pull from the water

I watch in heartbreaking disbelief

A whole city, several cities, a region

Slip into cold muddy water

Hours and years spent building houses

And minutes and hours and days and years

Lived in homes that will never be the same

Memories washed away in the current

Photos, treasures, collections, family keepsakes

…Things

Under inches and feet of RAINDROPS

And to those who swam to shores that were once highways

Or drifted to dry land at the water’s edge

Or lifted into helicopters in baskets

Or dragged into flat-bottom boats

Or floated on refrigerators and mattresses

Or clung to stop signs and telephone poles

The lucky ones whose heavy hearts didn’t sink them

They may never feel dried of the floodwaters again

But they have another chance to take another breath

To live another life

A better life

To find more joy because of the pain they will carry

To share the courage and strength that was shared with them

With others during their storms

I pray that the water on their souls that may never dry

Only brings them a greater purpose

A reason to fight harder than the current

A reason to love deeper than the floodwaters

A reason to flow as peacefully as the receding tide

A reason to speak words that were once muffled

A reason to swim the rocky waters



Not all were gifted with the dramatic rescue

The crowd of those left behind were blessed with something

FAR GREATER

Their first breath after drowning was heavenly

It was perfection

And will be forevermore

The muddy waters were instantly dried

They were met with instant warmth from the cold

Infinite joy abounded

Their party wasn’t a heavyhearted celebration

But a never-ending fiesta

They weren’t yanked ashore by rescuers

But ushered in by a shepherd

Who led them to STILL WATERS

Refreshing to their soul

Their first warm meal

Was a banquet

They needed no blanket to warm cold bones

They were wrapped in clouds of grace

And arms of love

And joy abounding

And waves of mercy

And waves of grace

Their first breath after drowning

Was weightless!

What a blessing that will be.

What I'm Listening to...Wednesday

Sometimes when I can't hear God speaking, I hear him sing over me.  Sometimes I have a hard time putting into words what my heart is saying.  So I sing to him words others have sang to him before.  Sometimes I hurt for the world and become numb to the stories on the news.  And it takes somber songs to help me feel again. 

Just to give you a peek into my day at school...here is what it looks like.  Our school has 5 classes a day.  When I don't have paperwork stacked up to my neck...which is the case most days...here is what my schedule is supposed to look like:
1st Block-I go into an English 10 or English 11 classroom, and provide a helping hand to students who need a little extra time.
2nd Block-Sometimes English 11 and sometimes working on paperwork in my classroom.  This is a classroom that is shared with another teacher.  She teaches 10 students an online math course.  So this paperwork I have to complete must be completed with 10 restless chatty teenagers in my room. 
3rd Block-I teach a reading and writing intervention class.  However, oftentimes this becomes a homework help session.  Frequently, my lessons are replaced with another teacher's lesson.  But hey, they have to pass their other classes too.
4th Block-This is my "planning" block.  Most days, other teachers send their students my way during this time to read their tests to them.  This is part of my job, so no complaints here.  Somewhere during this block I also have to find time to eat.  Most of the time this is bites between test questions. 
5th Block-English 10...helping out the teachers and kiddos.

Second block on paperwork days is my time to drown out the noise (and the students' not so quiet voices of not so pleasant conversations).  So I flip on my Jesus station on Pandora and let it pick what song I want to hear.  But today I had a feeling it was God picking my songs, not some random computer program.

The first song that caught my attention was "This, Too Shall Be Made Right" by Derek Webb
I recently wrote another blog post about this song, but up it popped again.  If you would like to read that post, click here.

"People love you the most for the things you hate
And hate you for loving the things you can't keep straight
People judge you on a curve
And tell you you're getting what you deserve
And this too shall be made right

Children cannot learn when children cannot eat
Stack them like lumber when children cannot sleep
Children dream of wishing wells
Who's waters quench all the fires of hell
And this too shall be made right

The earth and the sky and the sea are all holding their breath
Wars and abuses have nature growing with death
You say we're just trying to stay alive
It looks so much more like a way to die

And this too shall be made right

Yes, there's a time for peace, there is a time for war
There's a time to forgive and a time to settle the score
A time for babies to lose their lives
A time for hunger and genocide
And this too shall be made right

Oh, I don't know the sufferings of people outside my front door
And I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore
I'm trading comfort for human life
And that's not just murder, it's suicide
And this too shall be made right"

This hit way too close to home.  It seems that this world of darkness and hate and pain are closing in.  They are getting way too close to home.  I try not to watch the news.  I know, as a teacher, I should stay up to date on current events.  I could really care less.  I would rather tuck my head in my turtle shell and stay in my happy bubble with my amazing husband who I adore and adores me,

and our entertaining "why"-asking two-year-old,

 and our newly-giggling three-month-old.





 But despite the fact that I rarely turn on the evening news, I know...
-Twenty men were arrested in Chattanooga for involvement in child sex trafficking.
-Gang violence in downtown Chattanooga has increased to the point that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has created a database of individuals murdered there since 2011.  And all that people seem to be focusing on is the fact that Mohammed Abdulazeez found his way on to that list.  He is on a list of "justified murders."  I am pretty sure murder isn't the right word for that situation, but people seem to be missing the point.  That list is HUGE...currently at 113, with 22 of the murders happening just in the last 10 months!  That's the point.  The point is that we should shed tears over the massive number of lives lost, most at the hands of gang violence.
-An unidentified body was found in my town.
-There was a shooter at the little league park in my hometown where my little brother used to play baseball.
-School shootings are STILL happening.
-College sports recruiters are paying for strippers and sex for recruits to help draw potential athletes to their program.
-Smoking, that had recently become less widespread, has become more popular and excepted among a whole new generation of teenagers.
-Drugs are rampant.

Then came the song "Wedding Dress," also by Derek Webb.  This song was written to his maker.

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift your life

           God gave his life as our wedding gift.  It doesn't get much better than that.
Should that be all Ill ever need
Or is there more I'm looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich and wise
Is that really what you want

'Cause I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle

Or Im a prodigal with no way home
I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

          That's what we do, I guess I can only speak for myself. That's what I do.  I am so excited be his bride. I can't wait to get down the aisle and jump into his arms.  I am excited to be his.  Then I turn to other lovers.  My eyes stray and my feet wander.  I lose my way.  Then I throw on my white dress (it's white because he washed it) and run to him again.

So could you love this bastard child

          And each time I run to him, I run to him slower.  I go to him ashamed.  I am weighted down by my sin and think, "how could he still love me?"  But he does.  And he marries me all over again.  We were never divorced.  But in my heart I feel that way.  So we renew our vows.  He makes the same unbroken promises all over again.  And I make promises we both know I will break. 
Though I dont trust you to provide

          He always provides.  But I still get scared.
 With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side

'Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild

          I get content with the beautiful earthly things he has given me and forget the masterpiece I can find in him.

But money cannot buy
A husbands jealous eye

          "He is jealous for me.  His love's like a hurricane.  I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy."  I want to run down the aisle and not let go of his hand.  It's not quite as easy as it sounds.

Both these songs were heavy.  Bittersweet.  Honest.  Raw.

And God knew what I needed when the next two songs came on..."My Beloved," by Kari Jobe.

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

          He thinks I'm perfect just the way I am.

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace

          First he played me songs that left me with pain and bitterness and shame and fear and sadness.  Then he SANG OVER me his song of PEACE.  He played in like a lion and serenaded out like a lamb.
Cast all your care down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

          REST...

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters

          QUIET...
 I'll restore your soul

          RESTORATION...
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

First he sang to me truth, then he revealed to me my sin, then he sang over me peace and forgiveness and love, then he danced with me...the dance in the kitchen in your socks kind of dance.

At the end of the block my students got to see me with headphones stuck in my ears rocking out to this Jesus song...this time I was smiling.  "Lay Em Down," by Needtobreathe

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevard
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failings
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
Bring our troubles
Bring our troubles
And Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All those with and without love
All you burdened, broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down
 

Thank Jesus for speaking to me through my headphones this morning.

I'm laying em down.

Fed Up Friday

This may be the pregnancy hormones speaking, but this is a place for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and art, so I am going to share them. I have never posted anything political on my Facebook. Politics are not my thing. I am a teacher and a Christian and feel I often don't have enough information or the right words to put my thoughts out there for the world to see. I know once I hit publish, I may not be able to take back anything I have said. The internet can be altered but it is there for the finding. And I may regret this, but while I have the courage to do so, I am going to share what is on my heart. This showed up on my newsfeed today.

I didn't react the way some people may think. I didn't jump for joy as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that. 

And I didn't cry over the direction our nation is headed as some of my friends and family may have. And I don't regret that.

I was somewhat indifferent to the picture above on my newsfeed. Politics have never been my thing. I am able to separate my spiritual views from my political views whether that is right or wrong. I realize that not every American is a Christian and accept that is why sometimes the laws of my country do not line up with the laws of the book I try to live my life by. So for that reason I did not feel strongly one way or another when I saw this article. 

But the responses to the article brought me to tears. And I haven't been able to get over the feelings that the responses gave me. I thought about posting some of the hateful comments people made in the name of Christianity to prove my point but I don't think more negativity needs to be out there. And part of me hopes the people will see the hate in their words is not a reflection of the love of Christ. I know in the past I have said things I wish I hadn't in the name of my religion. I have been known to talk about a speck in another's eye while ignoring the plank in my own. I am not innocent in the judgment department. But I feel one way I have grown in Christ is that I have learned to love where I used to judge. I have learned to bite my tongue when I used to yell. I have learned to look within before pointing fingers. 

I know my God is not ONLY a God of

Love. I know he is also a God of wrath. But I have also really searched for the heart of God in this situation while my heart broke over the hateful words spoken by my brothers and sisters in Christ. To me this is not a matter of right or wrong or good or evil. This has become a matter of love and hate. And while I may not know what the heart of God is feeling today, I do know what the heart of Christ would be. All I could think is what would Jesus do if he were here today.  What would he do if he scrolled through his newsfeed (which he probably wouldn't waste his time doing) and saw that article. I don't think he would cry over a court decision or shake his finger in someone's face or share the link and write above it "our country is going going to hell in a handbasket." He knows without him that is where we are going anyways. 

And he may not change his cover photo to the rainbow flag. But he sure as hell would not be spewing words of hate and wrath. He would probably be giving a hug to the person whose heart was broken by those evil words. He would probably go on with his life loving on people...all people. He would do so knowing that the God who was using him to give FORGIVENESS AND GRACE AND LOVE to his people was still on his throne. And he would make sure that the love overshadowed the hate. And he would probably make it known that his God is a God of LOVE. And I plan on doing the same.

To-Do List Tuesday-Before Baby #2

Baby Patten Turner Strauss will be joining the family soon.  Not sure when, but going from previous experience with his big brother, Shea, who decided to mix things up by trying to come 7 weeks early, it could be soon. But if he decided to be like most babies he may not be here until his due date on July 29th. Gotta wait and see.

But there is quite a to-do list to finish before he arrives. I am blessed to say that list is MUCH shorter than it was last week. My dad and little brother came and did some extensive house-prepping and cleaning and detailing the past several days. I cannot thank them enough for all of the love and hard work they put into our house that had bit by bit gotten a little out of hand.

They cleaned out our whole garage and added shelves to store our stuff that doesn't have a spot in the house. That included burning a pile of about 70 cardboard boxes that had accumulated since we moved in a few years ago, and shop-vaccing crawly critters who decided to make those boxes home. As soon as we have our next yard sale we will be able to fit 2 cars in the garage, which hasn't been possible since we moved here.  

The kitchen appliances are sparkling, the windows are clean, the floors and baseboards are scrubbed. A few minutes ago Shea left the living room and headed in the kitchen.  He's supposed to stay in the living room with me. When I asked him to come back he started crying. "I white, I white." I am not yet fluent in toddler speak but I am getting there. I was stumped.  I said, "show Mommy what you want."  He grabbed a dish towel off the stove, ran back in the room, and proceeded to "white" (wipe) the windows.  "I clean, Mommy."  He has learned a servant's heart by watching the people he loves and looks up to.  I think his love language is acts of service like his daddy and my daddy.  So I smiled and thanked him and gave him a big hug because my love language is physical touch.  :)

Paint has been touched up. We could probably sell this house tomorrow if we wanted to.  They left early this morning to drive back to Texas leaving behind a different house than the one they arrived at.  We are truly grateful.  

To-Do List

-Finsh organizing Patten's nursery and Shea's bedroom

-have another yard sale to clear out the rest of the garage

-clean my bedroom and bathroom as well as the rest of the house has been cleaned

-organize my arts and crafts from the studio in my basement (see previous post)

-finish the edging on My brother's high school t-shirt quilt

-make some quilts for my friend from high school

It's done list

-twin onesie quilts

-puppy quilt for Ryder

-photo props for Lorie 

(who happened to have done an amazing job on Shea's one and 2 year old pictures)

Www.lorieallison.com

-a crocheted baby blanket

-and another mermaid wrap blanket

If you are interested in having me make you something, either message me on Facebook or leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

I love my crazy life and am so thankful for the help with the craziness.

Today's to-do list includes joining my hubby for lunch at UTC followed by a visit to the doctor to check up on our little Patten...hopefully followed by a nap for the other little one when we get home.

We may not have it all together at the Strauss house, but we are on our way, works-in-progress. And God is using us and molding us and teaching us and humbling us and LOVING US in the midst of the madness.

My verse for today:

If I say "my foot slips," your mercy will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul. Psalms 94:18-19

I was anxious, thinking "how in the world will it all get done? We aren't even close to being ready for Patten. This place is a mess and I don't know where to start. How are we going to afford another one?" But it is getting done. And we have been blessed with resources and help to make life more organized. And God will provide what we need just like he always does. He has brought comfort and joy to my soul in the form of organization and family.  Now that they have headed home, I am homesick but I'm looking forward to a family reunion soon when Patten comes.